April 08th, 2024

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”  Philippians 4:12-13
I have known no greater battle in endurance than what I have faced over the last 8 months of treatment for Lyme disease and other vector borne illnesses.  It feels like a marathon that I’ve been training for my whole life.  I’ve had flareups in the past have affected different systems at various times.  One flareup targeting my ankles, one my shoulders, one my knees.  I’ve had migraines and cluster headaches.  I’ve had my kidneys fail and be restored to full function.  Insomnia.  Multiple miscarriages.  This has been a chasing after the wind for so many years that having actual answers gave hope where life had previously eroded it away.  All my systems were failing, but my faith held fast.  My faith held me.
“It may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by you.”  
I trusted the Lord in the midst of the darkest and scariest places in my life, and He has never failed me yet.  If the enemy had his way, I’d be childless, divorced, dead several times over, by my own hands or any of the health issues along the way.  David cried out to the Lord many times in the Psalms.  I am surrounded by my enemy.  But the Lord was with him.  The Lord delivered him.  
Being chronically ill for so long is like being internally surrounded by the enemy.  In second Kings 6, the man of God is surrounded by a vast army.  He is overwhelmed at the sight of them. 
 “When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. “Oh no, my lord! What shall we do?” the servant asked.
“Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”
And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

As I have cried out to the Lord in the midst of my journey, I have been reminded of invisible armies, and clouds of witnesses.  I have been reminded of his faithfulness, and his mercies that are new every morning.  I know that even when it feels as though I am surrounded by armies and enemies, greater is He who lives in me than he who is in the world.

This season has made me so much more intimately acquainted with the Lord than I had imagined possible on this side of things.  At one point before I finally had my answers, I felt close to death.  I spoke to God in the midst of my fear.  Lord, I said, if this is it, please stay with me until it’s time.  And if it’s not, then I want us to be so close, that it feels like a seamless conversation when I go from this side to the next.  Me talking with him, and then face to face.  

I have known what it is to be in despair.  I have known what it is to rejoice.  I have learned to lean on Him whether I’m walking through the waters, or going through the fires.  I wish I could say that I have fully learned the secret to being content.  But I have learned that when I go to Him, there I find contentment.  My turmoil and unrest are frequently as a result of my not going to Him.  I hold back.  I don’t fully take him my worries, or I feel like I do, and then I snatch them back right after I said, “Ok I trust you.”
Yet, I have seen some patterns broken.  Patterns that took years to form.  Whether I hunger, or have had my fill, whether I have my needs met or am left wanting.  I can turn to the Lord in all these situations and He gives me the strength to go on.  And He gives me the contentment that I have been desiring for so long.  This has been the most challenging time of my life, but somehow, I have more peace and contentment than I did when I was prospering.  My faith is stronger now than when my life was less chaotic and more static.  

All things that I have endured, I have endured only because I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  When I have wanted to give up, I have placed my life back in his trust.  Through grief and insurmountable pain.  Through storms and unrest.  He alone has the words of eternal life.  And in Him alone I find myself able to go on and complete the marathon that has been set before me.  As for me and my house, we will trust the Lord, wherever He may lead us.  May you also be strengthened through faith to boldly seek Him and find Him to be faithful to supply all your needs.