growing in the waiting!

By Kadeen Edwards

     “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” Psalms‬ ‭13‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NIV‬

     “How long Lord?” is a common question among all believers. In the beginning of my relationship with God it was a wonderful whirlwind of transformation. So many new and exciting things were happening. I was one way and then I wasn’t. How quickly it all happened. 

     The equation was simple yet complex: the old + Jesus = the new. He makes all things new. Looking back, I now realize God changed my wants. Instead of wanting worldly things, I now wanted only things from above. My treasures were in heaven. They were no more entwined things of this world. Things of this world didn’t change my life, Jesus did! 

     As time passed my relationship with the Lord changed in the beginning. He was so close I felt him always encouraging me and watching over me and so much. Yet, most recently in this season, I hadn’t felt as close to him as I was. In the beginning I felt him always with me, guiding me. Then nothing! Then I thought where are you God? Where are all the things that you said you would do? I didn’t even pay attention to all he had already done. I thought God why have you left me? Did I not pray enough? Did I not worship enough? I must have missed something that you were showing. 

     My separation from God was based on works I thought I needed to do to keep his presence. The truth is I never lost his presence. He’s always been with me. Finally I realized he had just simply answered my prayer. This season of Lord where are you? God have you forsaken me? Have you left me is just a season of answered prayer. 

     As I was reflecting the other day, I realized those prayers I was praying had been answered. pray to God, I want hunger and thirst for you. I want to be more like you refine me with your fire. Help me to see as you see and to hear as you hear. My prayers were answered because when I felt distance, I decided to seek him out even more, and so my desire was to be filled in every way with his word through sermons, through reading scriptures, through doing studies. 

     I could not get enough of him. My answered prayer created more distance between us and the more distant I felt the more desperate my search for him. He hadn’t gone anywhere because another part of me also knew that he was still with me. His favor was with me. He walked with me. It was just a different season of growth. It was a season of strength training and I’m grateful for it, because I see clearly now. I feel him even nearer now but it’s in a different way.

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